How to Break Up

This is from Loonsounds .. how to break up with …

Aries Be a mouse grabber. Never follow their lead. Keep a steady dialogue with all of your exes. Fool with their hair after they just fixed it. Forget their birthday. Try to order them around.

Taurus Acquire some credit cards by placing their name first on the application. Don’t tell. Sit in their chair. Hide/eat all the sweets in the house. Insist on joint accounts. Refuse to sign a prenup.

Gemini Don’t let them get a word in edgewise. Regarding gossip, make it clear that you are “above it all.” Be Possessive. Get call waiting and put them on hold. Avoid sexual experimenting.

Cancer Be rude to their mother’s face. Never laugh. Insist on having it done your way in the kitchen. Be moodier than they are. Sabotage their family reunion. Chip away at their nest egg.

Leo Laugh at them instead of with them. Yawn when they are talking (don’t cover your mouth.) Criticize their hair, then say you are only kidding. Remove all the mirrors. Majorly outshine them.

Virgo Criticize them. Be extremely vague. Continue to have sex, but don’t let them satisfy you. Blow your nose often, scattering used tissues all around the house. Call them at their job to chat.

Libra On your paired outings, gawk at other babes/dudes. Rant when they talk about their exes. Women: fart and belch a lot. Men: Scatter your soiled tighty whitys (inside out) & miss the toilet.

Scorpio Stop hiding things. Tell them you are renouncing sex for Lent or call them by the wrong name during sex. Make unilateral decisions on everything. Always be late. And you drive. Period.

Sagittarius Cry whenever they are painfully honest. Threaten suicide on their cell while they are overseas. Take the only vehicle, then stay out all night. Hide their keys. Make them to-do lists.

Aquarius Loudly oppose their latest cause. Initiate daily heart to heart chats about your personal feelings and moods. Tell them what to wear. Reiterate: “Baby, it’s me and you against the world.”

Capricorn Do everything to excess. Hang all over them in public. Get drunk at their office party, and make out with their colleague’s spouse. Stop strangers with strollers to drool over the babies.

Pisces Quit drinking (or at least, quit drinking with them). Overuse the word budget. Make them give you every detail of their day. Share athletes foot. Go #2 while they are trapped in the bathtub.

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~ by nancyfenn on June 8, 2008.

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